Note to Barta: Bring in an Asshole, Please!

In the past season's media guide the section on Steve Alford was 13 pages long. Read that again, 13 pages!! Included in the Alford section were the scores from every game that he has ever coached at the Division I level. Sadly, we were denied the pleasure of seeing his Manchester victories individually.

But since we may be looking for a replacement, I want somebody who's more selfish. Someone who will take up more of the media guide than a measly 13 pages. But who would that be?

Steve Lavin: The former UCLA head coach (1996-2003) has a career record of 145-78. The Gene Keady disciple had 6 20-win seasons in his tenure including 5 Sweet 16 appearances (not bad). And let it be mentioned that he is already a Hair Gel Hall-of-Famer. Also helping his cause is that he's losing his marbles. Can't you see Tony Freeman blowing by somebody (ok, maybe you can't) and hearing Lavin yell "Beep Beep!" from the sidelines. I can hardly contain my excitement. But a big drawback is that he coached at a place called Ucla. I've never heard of Ucla. Why did he coach there? Why didn't he coach at a place I've heard of, like Pepperdine? I've heard of Pepperdine.



Mike Krzywslkjdfoaidjfoiejaski: The current Duke coach has a career record of 771-256. Coach Unpronounceable has won 3 national titles and been named National Coach of the Year 8 times in his 27 seasons as Duke head coach. His wins alone should take up more than 13 pages of the Iowa media guide. But I don't want to have to spell Krzywslkjdfoaidjfoiejaski for however long he would coach the Hawkeyes. What a pain in the ass that would be, and if he gets hired the Hair Gel will have to buy out my five-year deal that I just signed because I won't spell his name over and over.

Jim Boeheim: The current Syracuse head coach is too good. I like him too much. He will never ever come to Iowa, not even for a road game. Damn!

Larry Eustachy: The former Iowa State and current Southern Mississippi coach would be an excellent fit... 3 years ago. He has a career record of 298-193 which has included stops at Utah State and Idaho, in addition to ISU and USM. But he's too far off-the-wagon for me. I like my coaches drunk, really drunk. I liked the way he ran ISU, lot's of thugs and idiots, that makes life exciting. On the down side he had some fun players and I drink better beer than he does. Natty Light, come on... that's simply pathetic.



Skip Kenney: The current Stanford Men's swimming and diving coach who's story was reported here last week, is one of my favorite people EVER. He's already sponsored by Nike, and he's led his teams to 26 consecutive conference titles before. He's a former Olympic head coach (like Coach Unpronounceable) and a total bad ass! He will have no problem taking up more than 13 pages in the next media guide--he'll even remove some players and records if he has to. Not to mention he actually might be able to keep the Hawks afloat in the Big Ten race. (Thank you... thank you.) [BOOOOOOO! HISSSSSS! - Ed.]

And finally...

Steve Spurrier: The former Heisman Trophy winner and current South Carolina football coach may be well worth the investment. The "Ol' Ball Coach" is definitely full of himself. He wears a visor and is never shy about how awesome he is. He'd be expensive and he'd probably ask for more free stuff in Iowa City than the new New Mexico basketball coach, but his 157-50-2 record as a college coach is acceptable. He's won conference coach of the year 8 times and won his conference title 7 times. He won a national title in 1996-1997 with Danny Wuerffel "running the point" which is like winning 3 national championships at once. Why not?