Sunday, March 4, 2007

The Iowa Hawkeye players earn themselves another year of Hair Gel

60-53. Fuck me on a 7 mph treadmill. I know it was at home and that Illinois was basically forced to start Bruce Weber's mom and the 4 surviving members of the Backstreet Boys, but hey--Iowa beat Illinois. I was lucky enough to be able to catch all but the first 4 minutes of the game, so here's what I can tell you operating on 33 hours of memory retention (in that area, I am goldfish-like). In no particular order:

1) The game had long stretches of suck. I don't have the halftime numbers in front of me--I'm about as journalistic as Dr. Tom is tall--but neither team had a positive assist/turnover ratio at the break. Between that, the three minutes of the second half where the score stayed 43-41 Illinois, and the 5-4 Illini first-half "spree" that only took over 6 minutes, it's safe to say the game made me want to gargle with paint thinner.

2) You technically can spell Henderson and Freeman without M-V-P, but WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO?! Iowa had absolutely no business winning. None. Then, and I swear to God I can't make this up, Tony Freeman and Mike Henderson went crazy. And not the "Ron Artest and Steve Jackson are just going to start flailing their arms, and if you stay in their way and get hit, you can only blame yourself" kind of crazy, like we all totally would have expected more. No, first Freeman drained a couple longballs to break a 49-49 tie, then Hendo iced the game with the last 5 points of the contest. So Iowa's last 11 points came during the last 2:13, and they were all from Henderson and Freeman. I suggest you move on really quick, because if you try to figure out the likelihood of that ever happening, you'll go cross-eyed and legally insane.

3) "Cut the mic to the student section! Do it now!" "I can't--it's everywhere!!!" I've never been rendered speechless by a student section's chant before, but "I-L-L! D-U-I!" left me more agape and horrified than this Gwen Stefani tribute site (do not, under any circumstances, open at work. and make sure to have your sound on).

4) This picture.

Even Stevie Franchise knows you need to grease the wheels with a rose or two before you start sliding headfirst into second base. "Hey, remember that tall, kinda butch chick? Totally got some boobage from her last weekend."

5) Most depressingly, Alford is almost assuredly sticking around. Now that Iowa's got another winning season in the Big 10 and the whole "this is okay because we were supposed to be a whole lot worse" argument isn't getting readily dismissed, it's safe to say that Barta would be crazy to spend the $2 milly to buy Alford out. Maybe that's for the best. I don't think I could run a site called "Dana Altman's Snazzy Sport Coat"-- that just sounds freakin' gay.

So be sure to keep checking in on the Hair Gel over the next week. I'll be providing multiple daily updates on Big Ten Tourney action, breaking down more old brackets, and eventually using all that to put together the best bracket estimate humanly possible. Plus, I'll tie it all in to Iowa and let you know what their NCAA tournament chances are! (Here's a hint: not a white man's chance in Harlem.)


LadyAndrea said...

Seriously, you should come to the tourney! Live games! For your blog! And an all-day ticket for Friday is only $40 on ticketmaster

Oops Pow Surprise said...

Although it sounds wonderful, Andrea, I have previous family commitments for that friday. Plus the city of chicago and I are barely on speaking terms--there's a mutual history of mistreatment, and we're better off apart.

Deacon said...

OPS, why are you denying the Lady a romp in the nosebleeds at United Center? This is the first time in the history of the internets that blogging has ever got a man even a whiff of action, and you would defile the occasion by turning her down?

That shit is BANNANNAASS, son. Straight out the ass bannannass.