Picking the East bracket, the Hair Gel way

(1) North Carolina (28-6) vs. (16) Eastern Kentucky (21-11) - Why couldn't Western Kentucky have made the tournament instead? The Hilltopper mascot is fucking phenomenal! But with EKU, all we get is the goddamn Colonels. Yeah. They named their mascot after Kentucky Fried Motherfucking Chicken. I shit you not. UNC wins by like a thousand.

(8) Marquette (24-9) vs. (9) Michigan State (22-11) - Michigan State's finally healthy, and just in time to take out UNC before Texas gets a shot at them. Plus Tom Izzo looks like the guy from Best in Show--Michael McKean or something. And that's a plus. Sparty wins.

(5) USC (23-11) vs. (12) Arkansas (21-13) - Tim Floyd is back in the tournament! How about that! The last time we heard from him, Dedric Willoughby and Kelvin Cato were choking in the tournament against, like, Cincinnati. Admitting Arkansas into the tournament was a thoroughly indefensible move by the committee, and someone ought to be tossed into a woodchipper over it. USC wins, even though they aren't very good.

(4) Texas (24-9) vs. (13) New Mexico State (25-6) - Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant Kevin Durant

(6) Vanderbilt (20-11) vs. (11) George Washington (23-8) - It's hard to take GW seriously when they're only 4-8 against Top 100 schools. I mean, they never even came close to beating any teams that are in the tournament this year. The Commodores win it easy, like Sunday morning.

(3) Washington State (25-7) vs. (14) Oral Roberts (23-10) - I must confess to not knowing a damned thing about either team. In that case I'm going to default to "higher seed wins," so take WSU, and do not blame me when the Oral Bobs take the game by 40.

(7) Boston College (20-11) vs. (10) Texas Tech (21-12) - I picked Tech here--I know better than to bet against Bob Knight during the first round. And yet, I want Boston College to win so badly. Not because I'm beholden to BC in any manner--I'm not--but Bob Knight is so entertaining when he's angry, that it almost feels like a gift is being taken away when he's docile. But yeah, I pick Tech here.

(2) Georgetown (26-6) vs. (15) Belmont (23-9) - Can you imagine how many brackets would be utterly destroyed if Belmont pulled off the upset here? I think it would cause the biggest mass suicide in American history--outside of those Jonestown shenanigans, mind you. Hoyas win in a walk.