Picking the Midwest bracket, the Hair Gel way

(1) Florida (29-5) vs. (16) Jackson State (21-13) - The States will be terrified by Joakim Noah's appearance. Florida will win, because 16 seeds never ever win ever.

(8) Arizona (20-10) vs. (9) Purdue (21-11) - Purdue doesn't belong in the tournament. They routinely get killed on the road, and--speaking of being killed on the road--"Matt Painter vs. Lute Olson" is like "child who wandered onto the racetrack vs. Tony Stewart not hitting the brakes." Take 'Zona, and watch out for them in round 2.

(5) Butler (27-6) vs. (12) Old Dominion (24-8) - Sorry, but I can't take Ol' Dirty University here. Butler is tough and seasoned, like peppered beef jerky that's been sitting out for a week. Meanwhile, in their last game, ODU hit 10 of 46 jumpers. Yeah, they're ready for the tournament. Easy win for Butler.

(4) Maryland (24-8) vs. (13) Davidson (29-4) - Davidson hasn't lost to anyone outside the Top 100 of the RPI-- their worst loss was at #93 Missouri. So that's good. PROBLEM: They never beat anyone in the Top 100. They lucked out by only seeing Appalachian State once in the regular season, and never in the Southern Conference tourney. Way to sneak in, assholes. Maryland will dismantle the Sons of David.

(6) Notre Dame (24-7) vs. (11) Winthrop (28-4) - Most people are choosing Winthrop, because most people decided they were picking Winthrop before the brackets were even announced. That's fucking retarded. Notre Dame is the best 6 seed of the bunch; just watch Tory Jackson play and try not to enjoy it. Between he and the sharp-shooting Colin Falls, they'll be able outlast Winthrop. NOTE: Winthrop is pretty damned good--they won at ODU, Missouri State, and Mississippi State. They're not a pushover. Their only losses were all AT teams who are top-4 seeds in the NCAA tournament. This'll be a great game to watch. You have to like the Irish here, who are better built to win a tough game.

(3) Oregon (26-7) vs. (14) Miami University (18-14) - Nobody, not even the citizens of Oxford, Ohio, thinks Miami belongs in the tournament this year. Oregon will beat the living shit out of the RedHawks--partly because "RedHawks" is a stupid name, partly because MU is awful and that bank shot should not have counted because he didn't call it. Oregon in a cakewalk.

(7) UNLV (28-6) vs. (10) Georgia Tech (20-11) - UNLV slaughtered the Mountain West this year--they posted a 12-4 conference record and won the conference tournament without breaking much of a sweat. They posted the #10 RPI on the year. Naturally, the committee rewarded them with a 7-seed. Look for them to take their frustrations out on the Yellow Jackets, who are absolute pushovers (3-10) away from home.

(2) Wisconsin (29-5) vs. (15) Texas A&M-Corpus Christi (26-6) - You don't often see a 15-seed with an RPI in the mid-80's--that's usually a 13 or a 14. That doesn't make the Islanders good enough to beat Wisconsin--easy win for Those Who Would Forsake Watchability For Victories.

Yep, no upsets in round one. Not in this region, anyway. Sorry, but Winthrop's the only lower seed capable of winning, and I don't see it happening against the Domers. And I hate Notre Dame and all it stands for.