Monday, March 19, 2007

Introducing the Stanford Men's Swim Coach: Josef Stalin

Let me start by saying, "Hello" to all of you Hair Gel regulars and "Thank you!" to OPS (That's on-base percentage + slugging) and the Hair Gel for inviting me on board. I'm really excited about becoming a part of the Hair Gel organization and since I just signed a five-year contract, it should cost the Hair Gel a lot of money if they want to buy me out. [WRONG. -Ed.]

Anyway, remember our good friend Bob Bowlsby? Ever wondered how his new job out at Stanford is going? Well, for starters, he's got to deal with this. How awesome is this Skip Kenney guy? He decides that he doesn't like some of his swimmers, so--of course--he simply erases their records. That is so bad-assed. I know Stanford has a great swimming program, but to give their coach carte blanche to even edit the media guide so much so that he erases records? This guy must be the best. Don't fuck with Skip or he will end you!

This being an Iowa Basketball blog (sort of), I got to thinking. What if Alford had that kind of power? Carlton Reed? Erased! Jared Reiner? Erased! Duez Henderson? Erased! Sonderleiter?! DEAD!

On the flip side, what records would Alford invent? Every scoring record would be held by Pierre Pierce (something like 73 in a game, 4,000 in a season, and 9,000 over his illustrious, but "discipline-shortened" career). Stevie Wonder would be Iowa's all-time winningest coach. Tanya Alford would have lost the 30 pounds. Steve wouldn't have been caught cheating on his wife... er... that didn't happen, my mistake.

Here it is: the new and improved University of Iowa Men's Basketball Media Guide, Steve Alford-ed.


Deacon said...

I like you, Buddy. You alluded to SA's penchant for banging secretaries but kept it classy-like. You're a good kid.

Buddy Light said...

Thanks Deke. I was really hoping you would be on my side. When I was writing, I looked a picture of S. Alford and I saw his wrist, and I thought, "WWJD". That was my true inspiration.