The first candidate to officially consider

For all the speculation we do, it's useless next to good, old-fashioned paperwork. And there's finally one coach who has filed all the necessary paperwork to become the next coach at the UI.

And it's... the guy from Northwestern State. Seriously.

You bastard.

You magnificent bastard.

Now, look. We know that there's no possible way this guy's getting past "considered briefly by the committee before they mail him back their own poop" status. We get that. And there's something pristinely reasonable (albeit specious) about the logic behind, "I did better than your coach with those guys, imagine if I could recruit to your school."

The fact remains that offering to coach here is a dickish proposition usually reserved for plot twists in Prison Break (season finale, next Monday). Its sheer audacity leaves us as flabbergasted as Ron Burgundy when he learns Baxter can eat a whole wheel of cheese. We're not even mad.

Mike McConathy is a man who has ripped out the Hawkeye faithful's heart, only to discover some serious aortal blockage (and if you think we're above comparing Steve Alford to cholesterol, you are high). He has since facilitated its removal and placed our heart back in. And yet, our heart remains damaged because some guy dressed in purple RIPPED IT OUT OF OUR GODDAMN CHESTS.

In short, well played, you fucking asshole. Thank you for using the biggest kick in the nuts in Iowa history to drum up some free publicity. To do so requires nuts so big, you need a wheelbarrow to cart them around. And that is why we hate you, Mike McConathy... but we respect you.

(P.S. Fuck no you can't have the job.)