Considering Alford's replacement

"Say, Mr. Oops Pow Surprise," many people wonder, "if you think Iowa really ought to do something drastic like fire their coach, who should replace him?" Excellent question. It bears consideration. I'll throw some good ideas out there, and you are more than welcome to float your own in the comments section.

1. Al Skinner, head coach, Boston College Golden Eagles

PROS: Successful head coach of perennial Top 25 team in Big East. Snazzy sideline dresser. Male pattern baldness makes me feel better about myself.

CONS: Already makes a comparable amount in salary and would probably require large raise to move. Probably does not consider Iowa a "step up." Not "racially pure" enough for Western Iowans and other bigots. Not related to Troy Skinner.





2. Pat Riley, head coach, Miami Heat

PROS: 5 NBA titles. Leads NBA in playoff games coached, and is one game behind Phil Jackson for most playoff wins of all time. 17 seasons of 50+ wins, compared to 0 for Steve Alford. Widely regarded as one of the greatest coaches in basketball history. Member of the Basketball Hall of Fame.

CONS: Already in his 60's. Probably has absolutely no interest leaving the NBA. Cannot bring Dwyane Wade, James Worthy, or Patrick Ewing with him. Shares name of comically androgynous Saturday Night Live character from early '90's. Not going in the right direction as far as getting rid of the hair gel aspect of the program.




3. Cardboard cutout of Kirk Ferentz

PROS: Embodies class, hard work, and dedication. Comes pre-emblazoned with Tigerhawk. Widely respected by athletic community. University of Iowa already owns rights to likeness. Very inexpensive.

CONS: Inanimate object. Cannot move under own power; requires full-time assistant to place at courtside and in locker room. Easily stolen by overzealous fraternity members from rival Big 10 schools.





4. Popular Opinion

PROS: Foundation of democracy. Provides integral way for less-wealthy fans to impact athletic program.

CONS: Disenfranchises felons. Tabulation expenses and time restraints render quick decisions useless. Responsible for current President of United States. Places way too much faith in people like me.





EDIT: 5. Barack Obama, United States Senator, State of Illinois

PROS: Fresh face. Generates excitement. Engenders almost no hostility. Able to draw huge crowds of screaming fans, which would be a refreshing change of pace. Opposes sending the Hawkeyes to Iraq (I think). Will have no problem raising money for the athletic program (take THAT, Bowlsby!).

CONS: Knows little to nothing about high-level basketball. From a hated rival's state. Has probably been to a game in Champaign-Urbana without a single pang of regret. Easily the most likely American to be assassinated in the very near future right now. Probably considers accepting a college basketball head coaching job a contemptible decline in his service to the country.



Personally, I'm all for Option 3, but I've yet to be placed in charge of any personnel matters. Why that's the case, I may never know.