Tragic news for those with a coiffure fetish: The UI announced today that Steve Alford won't be at Iowa's year-end basketball banquet this weekend. I know. It hurts me too. I know.
Undoubtedly, this move is in Alford's best interests. It's good that he make the break as clean as possible and disassociate himself from the Hawkeyes quickly. It would make absolutely no sense for him to attend.
But then again, it would make no sense to defend Pierre Pierce as passionately as Alford has, so maybe there's a bit of crazy left over under all that gel. With that in mind...
Steve Alford, I humbly request that you change your mind and attend the banquet. As a matter of fact, I'll even write your speech for you.
"Hey there, Lob--Hawk fans! Hey, whoa. Hey. Honest mistake. I'm just trying to get acclimated with my new team. It's a nice change of pace to not be at such a football school anymore. Hey! Cut it out! I don't know why you guys are throwing tomatoes at me; I'm not the one that makes Steve Alford's Gold Medal Salsa! Ha, ha, ha!
"Settle down, guys. Please. We're here for the Hawkeyes, right? Not just me, them too. That's better. Okay. Anyway. First things first... all praise and glory to Jesus and me--you gotta admit, we make one heck of a team, eh? I'm proud to announce that we kept the WINNING SEASONS STREAK alive and well at, what, seven seasons?? That's awesome, folks! That's always a guarantee for a March Situation. Oh come on. Yes--yes it is. I know what happened this year. We did too have a March Situation. This year, it just happened to be beating Illinois at Carver. March 3rd. That's March enough for me.
"Speaking of streaks, if you're into this sort of thing, we just finished our second straight season without having a serial rapist start a single game. Uh, you're welcome, ladies. Also, I'm proud to say that we once again earned a berth to the Big Ten Tournament! That was my eighth in a row! Did you know those jagoffs over in Ames haven't been to a single one yet? And still, you all thought you needed to run me out of town. You're all ungrateful bastards, you know.
"Okay, about the kids. Who played here this year? Uh, okay. Um... Haluska, you're our MVP. Duh. Way to go with the fiancee, by the way. You never want to be a college superstar, then totally settle when it comes to bagging a wife. That goes for all of you. Trust me on this one.
"As far as the rest of the kids, I have to be honest: I was not a big fan this year. I tried to recruit as many good Christians as possible, but I'm pretty sure we didn't love Jesus enough to be champions. Christ, our center's over there doing yoga and writing that Chinese moon-man garbage on his arms. And that goes for the rest of you kids. I know Jesus loves you all equally and everything, but guys, what was with all the tattooos?! Jeez, Cyrus played the last few weeks of the season with that big bandage on one of his biceps. Cyrus. It looked like a volleyball kneepad. I know you don't want to screw up your tattoo or hurt yourself or anything, but it might have sent a better message to the team if you had decided to just skip giving your upper arm a maxi pad.
"Let's get back to talking about the season. Please. I see some of you brandishing weapons that I'm pretty sure security should have taken care of. I'd like to remind you all that we beat 12 teams that went to the NCAA's this year!
"Oh, uh. Not 12. Four. Whatever, nobody's counting. And! And also! We finally got over the hump and beat Northwestern this year! Okay, be sarcastic if you want, but at least it's more than that faggot football team of yours can say. Oh, and who wants to play the "which team won at Minnesota" game, eh? That's right, assholes.
"Look, see. This is why I decided to go to New Mexico. You're all being mean to me. This is the environment that I didn't want my family around. Well this, and allegedly bending my secretary over my desk. Definitely didn't want my family around for that one either.
"Okay, I see your desserts are coming. I'll be done soon. What'd you guys get? Seth? You got cake? Figures. What? No, I didn't mean anything by that. No, it's just that the cake looks like it's good. Yeah. Pretty soft, right? Exactly. Tony Freeman, how about you? That's... yeah, that's an apple turnover. Too easy.
"I'll turn this back over to Dolph, but let me just finish my tenure off with one last thing. It could have been different. All you guys had to do was worship me like they did everywhere else I ever was ever. They named a street after me before I even graduated high school. Do you have any idea what that does to someone? No, of course you don't. That means that if I don't have things exactly my way, my team will not be great. I need everything to go my way and all eyes to be on me. Therefore, I see no reason why Iowa's mediocrity isn't entirely everybody else's fault.
"In closing, fuck you all, and I am out of here."