Grading the nicknames

Now that Iowa has a new coach, Alford has acclimated himself to a new community, and the season is over, things will be slowing down here. We're entering the four month stretch that features great weather and baseball instead of college sports--and judging by what the ladies wear around here during that time, we're all right with that.

While we're not putting the site into total hibernation, there likely won't be many five-post days until August. When there's big news, of course we'll talk about it, but don't be too sad if Alford goes golfing in front of some cameras and none of us bother to write about it. We're jerks, not stalkers.

All that said, it's time to start thinking about the nicknames that Lickliter's going to encounter, and which (if any) are worth keeping around. Without any further ado...

1. Lick
PROS: Already established nickname in Indiana. Shortening of the last name, so it makes sense. Kinda funny.
CONS: A little weird. Verbs don't make good nicknames. Sadly, for all the talk that Iowa City is a progressive town, it's still not ready for a coach nicknamed after things lesbians do, as evidenced by the recent firing of UI men's golf coach Tommy Dykeout.
GRADE: B+

2. Bic Lighter
PROS: Funny, clean, and absurd. Rhymes with his last name.
CONS: Doesn't make a lick of sense. Go ahead and call someone--anyone--a cigarette lighter. 100% of the responses will involve a great deal of confusion.
GRADE: C+

3. Kickfighter
PROS: The most giggleworthy of the nicknames.
CONS: Technically it's kickboxing. Totally unsupported by his appearance; reminds me of this commercial.
GRADE: B

4. Dick biter
PROS: Most obvious of the jokes. Very, um, "descriptive."
CONS: Cannot be repeated in polite company, which is essential for all good nicknames. Teeth and man-regions do not go together at all.
GRADE: C-

5. Lackluster
PROS: Follows same accent structer as "Lickliter." Devastatingly dismissive. If Iowa isn't in the tourney in the next two years, expect to hear this one a lot. I kind of wish I'd never heard this one.
CONS: It's a wee bit early to start giving up on the new coach. Using it makes you look like a Cyclone or Illini fan.
GRADE: a begrudging B+

6. TL
PROS: Concise. Not an already famous set of initials (MJ, BJ, BLT).
CONS: Not very exciting. Not really associated with him as yet. Doesn't have the timeless quality that makes you say, "perfect!"
GRADE: A-

The problem with Lickliter's name is that while it begs for a nickname, none of the obvious rhymes or derivations are very good. TL's okay for now, but we're keeping our ears open for that one great nickname.

Please just let it be clean. I can't emphasize that enough.