Now, I know that Iowa City is a pretty liberal town...

Does Majerus really want Iowa? Really? Let's make sure Barta knows all of the details about how Captain Bypass really feels.

Note to Barta: Bring in an Asshole, Please!

In the past season's media guide the section on Steve Alford was 13 pages long. Read that again, 13 pages!! Included in the Alford section were the scores from every game that he has ever coached at the Division I level. Sadly, we were denied the pleasure of seeing his Manchester victories individually.

But since we may be looking for a replacement, I want somebody who's more selfish. Someone who will take up more of the media guide than a measly 13 pages. But who would that be?

Steve Lavin: The former UCLA head coach (1996-2003) has a career record of 145-78. The Gene Keady disciple had 6 20-win seasons in his tenure including 5 Sweet 16 appearances (not bad). And let it be mentioned that he is already a Hair Gel Hall-of-Famer. Also helping his cause is that he's losing his marbles. Can't you see Tony Freeman blowing by somebody (ok, maybe you can't) and hearing Lavin yell "Beep Beep!" from the sidelines. I can hardly contain my excitement. But a big drawback is that he coached at a place called Ucla. I've never heard of Ucla. Why did he coach there? Why didn't he coach at a place I've heard of, like Pepperdine? I've heard of Pepperdine.



Mike Krzywslkjdfoaidjfoiejaski: The current Duke coach has a career record of 771-256. Coach Unpronounceable has won 3 national titles and been named National Coach of the Year 8 times in his 27 seasons as Duke head coach. His wins alone should take up more than 13 pages of the Iowa media guide. But I don't want to have to spell Krzywslkjdfoaidjfoiejaski for however long he would coach the Hawkeyes. What a pain in the ass that would be, and if he gets hired the Hair Gel will have to buy out my five-year deal that I just signed because I won't spell his name over and over.

Jim Boeheim: The current Syracuse head coach is too good. I like him too much. He will never ever come to Iowa, not even for a road game. Damn!

Larry Eustachy: The former Iowa State and current Southern Mississippi coach would be an excellent fit... 3 years ago. He has a career record of 298-193 which has included stops at Utah State and Idaho, in addition to ISU and USM. But he's too far off-the-wagon for me. I like my coaches drunk, really drunk. I liked the way he ran ISU, lot's of thugs and idiots, that makes life exciting. On the down side he had some fun players and I drink better beer than he does. Natty Light, come on... that's simply pathetic.



Skip Kenney: The current Stanford Men's swimming and diving coach who's story was reported here last week, is one of my favorite people EVER. He's already sponsored by Nike, and he's led his teams to 26 consecutive conference titles before. He's a former Olympic head coach (like Coach Unpronounceable) and a total bad ass! He will have no problem taking up more than 13 pages in the next media guide--he'll even remove some players and records if he has to. Not to mention he actually might be able to keep the Hawks afloat in the Big Ten race. (Thank you... thank you.) [BOOOOOOO! HISSSSSS! - Ed.]

And finally...

Steve Spurrier: The former Heisman Trophy winner and current South Carolina football coach may be well worth the investment. The "Ol' Ball Coach" is definitely full of himself. He wears a visor and is never shy about how awesome he is. He'd be expensive and he'd probably ask for more free stuff in Iowa City than the new New Mexico basketball coach, but his 157-50-2 record as a college coach is acceptable. He's won conference coach of the year 8 times and won his conference title 7 times. He won a national title in 1996-1997 with Danny Wuerffel "running the point" which is like winning 3 national championships at once. Why not?

I would be remiss...

...if I didn't mention the Hair Gel Trifecta that hit the United Center yesterday. There was:


Steve Lavin calling a game between...


Iowa head coach Steve Alford...


...and Purdue head coach Matt Painter.

As far as who came out on top, it's pretty obvious. Painter ripped off the Alford look without doing it well enough to make it his own. You can't give the trophy to Alford--his team just lost by 19, and there are serious rumors floating out there that his hair is actually plastic.

So that leaves Steve Lavin, who is clearly losing his mind at the announcer's table--and I am A-OK with that. Yesterday's brutality was somewhat mitigated by Steve Lavin doing his best Bill Raftery impression. I can't possibly do justice to everything he rambled about, but we got a 3-minute analysis of hot dogs from across the country (the key, apparently, is the bun), the phrase "scampering hamsters," and a "beep beep" every time one of the Boilermakers scored. Because of the Roadrunner. The cartoon one. Yeah.

I applaud Lavin. He has clearly thought to himself, "I can go back to coaching, which is nightmarish in its time commitments, stress, and negative effect on my family... or I could sit here and just watch the games and talk, do whatever the hell I want to, and still make a shitload of money. I'm thinking option B is a little better." Seriously--watch a game with Lavin in it. He's Raftery II, and he's only going to get more insane as the years go on.

I'm done with the tourney recaps--I'll be using all that data and this year's RPI to put out a bracket early tomorrow. Here's a sneak preview: Ohio State, on the bubble??? More later!

Mr. OPS would like to thank Deke for the inspiration of this post.