The pain is almost over

The Des Moines Register's Randy Peterson is reporting that a presser is coming by tomorrow afternoon:

Iowa apparently has a new men’s basketball coach.

Who replaces Steve Alford remains the question.

Athletic director Gary Barta will hold a press conference “within the next 24 hours,” Hawkeye sports information director Phil Haddy said late this afternoon.

Haddy would not disclose the nature of the press conference.

When asked directly if Barta was close to introducing a new basketball coach, Haddy said:

“You can draw your own conclusions.”

Oh, Phil Haddy, you coy little prat. Of course it's to announce a new coach. Athletic directors never call press conferences just to say, "Hey, search is going great, check back in with you in a month." That might fly with the President, but this isn't some rinky-dink White House we're running here in Iowa City.

I've got to think it's one of six candidates, and realize that much of this is conjecture, pulled directly from the asshole of myself or others. In no particular order:

Rick Majerus
Tom Crean
Kirk Speraw
Gregg Marshall
Jay Wright
Ernie Kent
Reggie Theus

Of those, Majerus is the only one who's not currently at a school. That's important, because nobody has announced that Iowa has requested permission to contact any other universities to discuss hiring away their coach. So until an announcement is made by any other institutions that Iowa has contacted them, it seems as if Majerus is your man.

Past that, I would imagine Speraw is the most likely, Crean is the most prestiged, Marshall is the most discussed, Kent is the most highly seeded of the year, Wright is the most financially accessible ($600k a year at Nova???), and Theus is the "sexiest" prospect--though he's a bit too reminiscent of Alford 8 years ago. So all five others have their own merit, which is why I am wimping out and not issuing odds yet.

There is also one distant, but enticing possibility. It is possible, though wildly implausible, that Gary Barta is calling this press conference for the sole purpose of challenging Steve Alford to a duel of fisticuffs. That, readers, would make our heads explode out of amazement.

Stay tuned to the sports channels tonight (as if you have to be told); usually some reliable info about hirings leaks through the night before the presser.

Personally I hope it's Clem Haskins. I'll go from "tame April Fooler" to "downright prescient." Granted, the Iowa program will go from "perennially 17-13" to "perennially sanctioned," but sometimes you have to pick your victories.

The sticking point

"Word"* is that Rick Majerus is at an impasse with Barta over the job description. Apparently, Majerus is under the impression that his weekly coaching show will be coached by Gary The Dolphin, and not just Gary Dolphin. Majerus does not know how to communicate with dolphins, like in that docu-drama Flipper. When Barta tried to tell Majerus that Gary's not a real dolphin, Majerus reportedly said, "Well, I don't speak porpoise either!" and hung up angrily. Now both sides are refusing to take any calls from the other.

Sad situation, really.
* Total bullshit rumor

21 weekend questions

1) Who will the next coach be?

A: While I obviously can't say too much (always shear the sheep, never skin it), all indications are that it's a certain former player.

2) What? Who? Give me a hint.

A: Let's just say his first name is Steve, and his last name is Carfino.

3) Shut the fuck up.

A: Okay, sorry, that's 100% bullshit. I just made that up.

4) Seriously, who's it going to be?

A: I have no clue, although Chris Lowery did give reporters a nice fat "no comment" when asked about any interest in the Iowa job. That's a good first step, and it ought to merit him at least 30% on the "Who will it be"-o-meter.

5) Any other leads?

A: I think there's still a 5-10% chance on Majerus. Remember that Roy Williams said he didn't give a shit about North Carolina on live TV, then left for Chapel Hill not a week later. Nick Saban pulled a similar stunt. So yeah, let's not throw the Majerus rumors out quite yet. There was way too much chatter for it to have been 100% bullshit.

6) What's a better nickname for Seth Gorney: Lotus Blossom, or Gornstar?

A: What an awesome question. (props to ISG)

7) Who's winning the two games tonight?

A: I'm not your goddamn bookie, but okay, let's play. Florida beat the holy hell out of UCLA last year in a similar scenario, and the Gators have everyone back. I can't stand watching Florida play and I want so badly to see UCLA take the whole thing (if only for Bill Walton stoned out of his mind at midcourt for the celebration), but it's wildly illogical not to pick Florida, right?

8) What about the Donovan rumors to Kentucky? Won't that be a distraction?

A: Nah. They weren't for Roy Williams, remember?

9) And game #2?

A: You had better not miss Georgetown-OSU. Hibbert against Oden is going to be an awesome showdown. Seriously, how many times are you ever going to see a big man duel like this? This is like Sampson-Ewing, before Ralph Sampson sucked and was no longer "really mean." Buddy Light is going to get that reference, and just about nobody else will. I have no clue who wins this game. I think Ohio State has better jump-shooters, which is the only way to beat the Georgetown defense, so the edge ought to go to the Bucks. But who knows? If Oden starts forcing his play like during the Xavier game (a game OSU had zero business winning), this could turn into a Hoya rout. Seriously, you cannot miss this game.

10) Can we count on regular updates from Mr. O.P. Surprise today?

A: Probably not. Unless something breaks in the next 3 hours, I'll be gone for the rest of the day. By the way, if you're in the area, you should head to Amana late this afternoon. The Millstream brewery is having a "3 millionth bottle of beer" party at the brewery this afternoon. Check this out. You show up between 3:30-5:30 and dink around on their bottling line. Then once the 3,000,000th bottle comes off the line, there's a big ceremony and celebration. After that, they have a party in the warehouse from 6-10 p.m. with free brats and some band called Electric Mule.

11) Is Electric Mule any good?

A: You're missing the point. FREE BRATS AND BEER. MILLSTREAM BEER.

12) Isn't it supposed to storm like crazy this afternoon?

A: I am going to get shitfaced and beat the hell out of any tornado that tries to start something with me.

13) So nothing all night from the Hair Gel?

A: Can't say. If you're lucky and you behave yourself, you just may get to hear from Buddy Light and/or the Deacon.

14) Okay. Can you put up that picture of Carfino one last time?

A: Hell yeah.

15) Okay now do someone else.

A: Like who?

16) Anyone.

A: Well, you can't really go wrong with the come-hither gaze of one Downtown Freddie Brown.

17) I am so turned on right now.

A: He's a moustache away from outpacing Wilt Chamberlain by a factor of like a million.

18) Wouldn't that make it 20 billion chicks that he would have done, then?

A: Hell yeah.

19) Okay put up another picture. Find the best player in all of Iowa history and show us him.

A: Okay.

20) AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!

A: OH MY GOD RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, HE SEES US!!!

21) AAAAAAAHHH OH MY GOD NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

A: RUUUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!!

Congratulations if you were ever betting on "the field"

A whole lot of people were certain we'd be hearing about Rick Majerus announced as early as tomorrow as the new Iowa coach. Oh, wait....

Former Utah Coach Rick Majerus emphatically denied Friday he has any interest in coaching Iowa's men's basketball team.

Asked in a phone interview if there were any discussions involving him as Iowa's next coach, Majerus said, ``No, no.''

Told there were rumors and reports flying around Iowa that he is replacing Steve Alford as the Hawkeyes' coach, Majerus replied, ``No.''

Asked if he had any interest in becoming Iowa's next coach, Majerus said, ``What part of no don't you understand?''

And told later that a Cedar Rapids television station reported he'd met with Iowa Athletics Director Gary Barta last night, Majerus said, ``No, I have not.''

Well. Now that the multitudinous rumors about Majerus begging to come here have all been flatly rejected, now what? Reggie Theus? Chris Lowery?

Sorry to bring you into the weekend with crappy news, Hawk fans. Majerus would have been an A+ hire.

I know you're hoping for big news

And like you, we all are as well. There's lots of people predicting that it'll be Rick Majerus with B.J. Armstrong assisting; even radio reports on Minnesota-area sports radio are saying that. No word from any local media, though.

It's safe to say that Gary Barta's going to get a lot closer to hiring somebody this weekend at the Final Four. Everybody's going to be there. The NABC has their annual meeting at the same time and place, so Barta ought to be able to find anyone he needs to talk to.

If we're talking odds, I'm going with the following:

Rick Majerus: 70%
Dana Altman: 20%
Reggie Theus: 5%
The field: 5%

Majerus, like Altman, would take the job if offered. But what the heck is with the B.J. Armstrong stuff tacked on? The guy has no coaching experience. There's still nothing that tells me Majerus is a lock to return to coaching at all. Someone's still got to take a chance on hiring him.

Nobody's really talking much about Altman anymore, though. There's word that he's already turned Iowa down, and also that he's still Iowa's top choice. So whatever.

So I'm reserving 10% on the rest of the pack right now. Boosters think Reggie Theus can get something going, but hiring him would tell the world that we learned literally nothing from the last 8 years (the similarities are downright eerie). It's hard to believe Iowa would turn down Altman and Majerus, but it's theoretically possible. There might be a few surprise nuggets coming out of this weekend in Atlanta. Stay tuned.

And yes, I totally edited it to match up with what Jebus said.

Now, I know that Iowa City is a pretty liberal town...

Does Majerus really want Iowa? Really? Let's make sure Barta knows all of the details about how Captain Bypass really feels.

A wildly unsubstantiated rumor about Majerus

This comes to us courtesy of the Press-Citizen's Hawkeye boards, and while that should automatically eliminate it from consideration, it fits in with what I've heard...

I am visiting in Iowa City. This morning, while sitting at Java House, I over heard a guy talking to a woman about the coaching position. Here's what he said:

He is Mike Gaten's son's god father. Gaten told him that Majerus called and ASKED TO COME TO IOWA.

Majerus said money is no issue. He claims to be healthy and swimming 2 miles a day. He believes he can give three or four good years. He wants BJ Armstrong to be his assistant coach and prepare him to take over.

In order to prove the legitimacy of this, the fellow called Gaten's while I was listening to check what the reason was that Mejerus backed out of the USC job.

Apparently, Gatens called Barta and relayed the information. The upshot is that if Iowa wants Majerus, Majerus wants Iowa.

The man said this will all come out soon over the radio. So we will all know soon if this is legit. I really believe it is and you all know me. I am not easily convinced of things. So, let's all wait and see...

So there you go. I can't ascribe any truth value to it, but the details sound exactly like what I've heard. It basically sounds like the Charlie Weis or Norm Parker of college basketball is begging to coach for Iowa. Begging. If it's true, Barta could do a shitload worse than taking on Majerus for about 5 years and prepping his assistant to take over.

With that, a new oddsmaker prediction on the Iowa job:

Dana Altman: 70%
Rick Majerus: 30%
Rest of the field: 0%
Steve Alford: 0%

My name is Oops Pow Surprise, and I run this joint

At this point, the reliable, non-contradictory chatter is almost non-existent. I've heard Altman's off the list and I've heard he's the top choice. I've heard Kruger doesn't want to go anywhere, and I've heard he's Iowa's current target. I've heard Rick Majerus wants to coach at Iowa, and I've heard that's stupid. Maybe Magic Johnson actually will come coach. Who knows?

Gary Barta, if you're reading this (which he is most definitely not), drop me a line and give me a heads-up. I'll even make it a blind item so everyone can doubt it. But we'll know.

OK, now I'm depressed

I'm a little upset about this whole Bruce Pearl thing, for a number of reasons.

1. I like Bruce Pearl, a lot. I think he would have been great at Iowa and he would have been fun, because, let's face it, he's bat-shit crazy. That being said, I understand where he's coming from. He has a great thing going at Tennessee, why should he leave? It's probably for the best on both sides.

2. The teams that I love never do what I want them to. They always seem to fall short of my expectations when it comes to performing (usually), recruiting, signing free agents, and hiring coaches. But I should not bitch about all of this, because it's my fault. These are the teams I have chosen to root for and I am not about jumping ship every chance that I get. That's for kids from Chicago who root for the Cubs their whole lives, then when the White Sox start doing well they all pick up accents, don a black cap, and forget to shave until it's bed time.

3. It looks as though Dana Altman is the #1 candidate for the job right now, and I do not want Dana Altman yet. I don't know why, but he just doesn't do it for me. I think that Barta is doing the right thing, going after a big-name guy like Pearl, especially because of the Iowa ties. But don't stop there.

Note to Gary Barta:
Please do not settle. Go get a top-liner, not the most convenient choice.
Thanks,
Buddy L.

Creighton during the Altman era has done well, I will give them that. They have made 7 NCAA Tournament appearances since 1999 (coincidentally the year our "fearless leader" was hired; how many did he get to?) and have made it out of the first round twice. I'm not saying that's bad, making the tournament that many times; I wish Iowa would have done that. And I may eat crow if Altman comes here and wins, but all I'm saying is keep looking.

Give Majerus an interview, see what he has to say. He's a proven winner. He went "Dancing" 10 times from '91-'03 and had a tournament record of 17-10. He turned out pros like Keith Van Horn, Andrew Bogut, Andre Miller, and Michael Doleac. All of this at freaking Utah.

Also, take a look at SIU coach Chris Lowery. He's been to the tourney each of his 3 seasons as coach. His regular season record is very impressive. He's 3-3 in the tourney. He's only 34 years old, which means he could be here for a very long time (unlike Captain Bypass listed above, who may not live tomorrow). I think it would be in Iowa's best interest to give him a serious shot.

After all of this if Barta finds Altman to be the best candidate, then by all means hire him. I will give Altman a chance should he be the next Iowa head coach, but don't just rush to hire a coach for the sake of hiring a coach. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get the rights to firedanaaltman.com so that I can try to extort all of my tuition money back.

Re-re-calibrating the odds

Dana Altman: 50%
Rick Majerus: 25%
Chris Lowery: 15%
Lon Kruger: 5%
Tom Crean: 5%
Bruce Pearl: 0%
Steve Alford: 0%

Goddammit.

Quick odds recalibration

Altman: 40%
Pearl: 20%
Majerus: 20%
Lowery: 15%
Crean: 4%
McConathy: 1%
Alford: 0%

I'm still not ready to put Altman at 50%, but I have heard some unencouraging things about everybody else recently. For the record (and I'm sure you were all dying to know): I'm happy with all those candidates except for the last two.

The next Iowa head coach will be...

...named soon!

C'mon. You didn't really think I had the answer, did you? Of course I don't. Gary Barta doesn't even know who it'll be yet. If you want me to start tossing out baseless rumors, I'm going to aim a lot higher than who will coach a college basketball team. I aim big. Like "aliens run the shadow government and have a mind chip in George W. Bush's skull!" big.

That said, I do hear rumors, and while I don't have permission to repeat them verbatim, I'm ready to give my odds on who the next coach will be. You'll notice that nobody's at even 50% yet. That's because nobody has established themselves as a leader yet; there's too much going on outside of Iowa's control still. Nonetheless, let's start breaking it down, Hair Gel style.


1. Bruce Pearl, Tennessee head coach: 35%

PROS: Rumors are flying that he doesn't have any grand designs on staying in the south, where--and I'm sure this will come as a shock--the culture isn't perfect for a Jew from Boston. Coaches a fast, aggressive style of play that aggravates opponents and entices high-level recruits. Would evoke guttural feelings of hatred from Illinois fans that may spark interstate military escalation.

CONS: Already in a very financially advantageous position in Tennessee. May be assassinated upon arrival in Champaign-Urbana. Has no qualms about appearing on national television without a shirt on. May be insane.

VERDICT: If he wants the Iowa job, it's his. The only major worry--and it's substantial--is that Tennessee can afford to throw as much money around as Iowa can. Also, Michigan could very well come calling, and it would be awfully hard to call the Iowa job more attractive than the one in Ann Arbor.

2. Rick Majerus, former Utah head coach: 30%

PROS: Won six straight conference championships. Took Utah to NCAA championship. Has recruited numerous all-conference players and several high NBA draft picks. Basketball genius who is reportedly looking to get back into coaching. Closely connected to current UI strength coach Chris Doyle.

CONS: Innumerable health concerns. Diabetic. History of heart problems. Backed out of deal to coach Southern California a few years ago. May not be a long-term solution for Iowa basketball. Would force me to register www.RickMajerusDeathWatch.com.

VERDICT: If the rumors are true and he wants to get back to coaching, Iowa would get a long look. He is apparently on a strict health regimen with the help of Doyle, so some health concerns may be allayed. On that note, though, his health has improved since he left coaching; returning to such a high-stress job would most certainly be a detriment. If he were 100 pounds lighter and 5-10 years younger, he could coach wherever he wanted in the NCAA. If he determines that he is capable of coaching and recruiting while not placing his health at risk (which does not, at this point, seem likely), then he ought to be welcomed at Iowa.

3. Lon Kruger, UNLV head coach: 15%

PROS: Wins everywhere he goes; has taken four different teams to NCAA Tournament. Universally respected by peers. Has made a habit of taking lousy programs and turning them into winners. Would, once again, infuriate Illinois faithful, especially after first win in Champaign-Urbana. "Without a doubt, Lon is one of the best tacticians in the game. I love Lon. He does everything above board. He has a program fans can be proud of." - Coach K.

CONS: Goes a lot of places; Iowa would be his seventh head coaching gig. Has the stink of coaching for the Illini on purpose. Another prime candidate for assassination in Champaign. Has not given too much indication thus far that Iowa is an attractive destination. Already in mid-fifties. May kill you if you fall asleep.

VERDICT: If the Bruce thing doesn't pan out, Iowa would love to land Kruger. The problem is, so would Michigan. And then there's that whole business that the Krugers love Las Vegas and probably wouldn't go and move again just for an extra $400,000 a year or so. Not much about the move makes too much sense for Kruger, which is a shame for Iowa.

4. Dana Altman, Creighton head coach: 15%

PROS: Has taken Creighton to the NCAA tournament in seven out of nine years. Got new stadium built. Has incredible relationship with city of Omaha. Still in mid-forties. Lacks obnoxious haircut. Would take Iowa job if offered, after having turned down multiple offers from other schools (including Miami-FL).

CONS: Not an "exciting" head coach. Left KSU after mediocre performance. Questions abound about recruiting capabilities. May not be best available coach in MVC (Lowery, SIU). Hell, just look at the guy. You getting pumped? No? Nothing, huh?

VERDICT: Although he's not a top-tier, "home run" candidate, Altman would be a safe bet. He's classy, wants to coach here, and probably wouldn't bolt to the NBA or anything crazy. If the Pearl and Kruger deals don't come to fruition, look for Altman to come to Iowa City. Iowa could do a whole hell of a lot worse.

5. Tom Crean, Antarctic explorer: 5%

No, wait, wrong Tom Crean. Let's try that again.









5. Tom Crean, Marquette head coach: 5%

PROS: Has built Marquette from a mid-major into a major force in the Big East. Can recruit very well. Is universally respected in college basketball.

CONS: Not much, except there's the whole "how would Iowa be a step up in any way, shape, or form for Crean" business. Has never explored the Antarctic.

VERDICT: Hey, until he says he's not interested in leaving Marquette, the door ought to stay cracked open here. What if he gets an offer of $2.5 million from Iowa or something wildly outrageous? It's a theoretical possibility.



6. Steve Alford, New Mexico head coach: 0%

God, that just feels so good to see in print.