One step closer to the finish line

I hope, faithful readers, that you didn't spend any time in front of the TV watching the Purdue-Iowa debacle. It was, to put it delicately, an absolute fucking shitstorm.

Here's a good indicator of how competitive Iowa was:

0:00 - Game starts
0:08 - Purdue takes lead
13:13 - Purdue is ahead by double digits
40:00 - Game over

Iowa scored four second-chance points. On 13 offensive rebounds. If you try to comprehend that, your brain will hurt, so let's just move on.

They just plain looked disinterested, and that's the worst part about it. Why wouldn't you care, if you're playing for the Hawks? Why aren't you thinking about going on another patented Iowa tourney run? And why are you letting the Purdue Goddamn Boilermakers dunk on you and pound on their chests like Hot Carl Landry is doing up there? How in God's name can you come out flat when you're fighting for your life (from a tourney standpoint, mind you--I don't think any of the Hawkeyes are going to be executed)?

At the very least, we can be happy that the season is one game closer to a merciful end. I, for one, most certainly didn't enjoy wanting the Hawkeyes to win more than they did. I don't know who's at fault for that--the seniors, the coaches, the underclassmen--but even that's largely irrelevant. The bottom line is that the Hawks lost their 14th game, and they're heading for a quick 15th--they're not even that good by NIT standards. Ouch.

Speaking of "ouch," how do you like Haluska taking the Spalding-brand dickshot from #4 there? No wonder he shot 4-16--he probably spent the rest of the game wondering if his balls had re-ascended.

The Iowa Hawkeye players earn themselves another year of Hair Gel

60-53. Fuck me on a 7 mph treadmill. I know it was at home and that Illinois was basically forced to start Bruce Weber's mom and the 4 surviving members of the Backstreet Boys, but hey--Iowa beat Illinois. I was lucky enough to be able to catch all but the first 4 minutes of the game, so here's what I can tell you operating on 33 hours of memory retention (in that area, I am goldfish-like). In no particular order:

1) The game had long stretches of suck. I don't have the halftime numbers in front of me--I'm about as journalistic as Dr. Tom is tall--but neither team had a positive assist/turnover ratio at the break. Between that, the three minutes of the second half where the score stayed 43-41 Illinois, and the 5-4 Illini first-half "spree" that only took over 6 minutes, it's safe to say the game made me want to gargle with paint thinner.

2) You technically can spell Henderson and Freeman without M-V-P, but WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO?! Iowa had absolutely no business winning. None. Then, and I swear to God I can't make this up, Tony Freeman and Mike Henderson went crazy. And not the "Ron Artest and Steve Jackson are just going to start flailing their arms, and if you stay in their way and get hit, you can only blame yourself" kind of crazy, like we all totally would have expected more. No, first Freeman drained a couple longballs to break a 49-49 tie, then Hendo iced the game with the last 5 points of the contest. So Iowa's last 11 points came during the last 2:13, and they were all from Henderson and Freeman. I suggest you move on really quick, because if you try to figure out the likelihood of that ever happening, you'll go cross-eyed and legally insane.

3) "Cut the mic to the student section! Do it now!" "I can't--it's everywhere!!!" I've never been rendered speechless by a student section's chant before, but "I-L-L! D-U-I!" left me more agape and horrified than this Gwen Stefani tribute site (do not, under any circumstances, open at work. and make sure to have your sound on).

4) This picture.


Even Stevie Franchise knows you need to grease the wheels with a rose or two before you start sliding headfirst into second base. "Hey, remember that tall, kinda butch chick? Totally got some boobage from her last weekend."

5) Most depressingly, Alford is almost assuredly sticking around. Now that Iowa's got another winning season in the Big 10 and the whole "this is okay because we were supposed to be a whole lot worse" argument isn't getting readily dismissed, it's safe to say that Barta would be crazy to spend the $2 milly to buy Alford out. Maybe that's for the best. I don't think I could run a site called "Dana Altman's Snazzy Sport Coat"-- that just sounds freakin' gay.

So be sure to keep checking in on the Hair Gel over the next week. I'll be providing multiple daily updates on Big Ten Tourney action, breaking down more old brackets, and eventually using all that to put together the best bracket estimate humanly possible. Plus, I'll tie it all in to Iowa and let you know what their NCAA tournament chances are! (Here's a hint: not a white man's chance in Harlem.)

74-72

Iowa played just well enough to lose to a really awful Penn State team. Here's just about all you need to know:

2FG: 18-27
3FG: 9-31

The rest of the stats can be found here.

Penn State fought harder for the win, and Iowa just shot 3's all game long. I understand that they're often the most open shot against a zone like the Nits play, but look at what's working, here.

Haluska dropped 30 and looked good. Tyler Smith scored most of his 14 in the first half, and shouldn't have shot so many 3's (1-6). He was killer in the middle of the zone.

Looby and Tate combined for 2 points and 3 rebounds in 31 minutes of action. AD Gary Barta, I am more than willing to perform that sort of service for pennies compared to a full ride. End the uneconomical madness of paying them a full ride for such measly results!

I'll have plenty more to say about this tomorrow, as well as my first in a serious of tournament field recaps. Some of the impetus for the tourney recaps is gone, since there's no need to compare Iowa's current place to those fields, but the show must go on, my friends.

God I hate Steve Alford.

PURDUE SUCKS

"OH MY GOD IOWA WON THEIR BIGGEST GAME OF THE YEAR" - Actual sentiment from some Hawkeye fans.

Good lord. They won at home against a middling Purdue team that can barely stay in the Top 50 of the RPI. It's not like the Boilers are, let's say, ranked. The reasoning, though, was that Iowa needs to win out in order to have a shot to make the NCAA's, so every game is very important.

Yeesh. You'd think a game against a ranked opponent was bigger, but apparently games are only big if Iowa has a shot of winning them.

Let's make something perfectly clear: Iowa's road/neutral record is 3-10. That's arguably the worst road/neutral record in the top 100 of the RPI (you could, I suppose, make an argument for Washington at 1-8, but realize what sort of company Iowa's keeping here). At the very least, no team has as many losses with as few wins.

All that aside... darn good game by the Hawkeyes. The sad thing is this: If Iowa had played up to their potential and not lost at Arizona State (unforgivable) and Drake (were they all drunk?), then they're 18-10, 8-6 in the Big Ten, and probably around a 60 in the RPI. Considering there's a road game at PSU and the BTT coming up, it would be highly conceivable in that scenario that Iowa would have 20 wins on the year... even though there's about a baker's dozen cupcakes in that record. That's probably a 9 seed.

But, I suppose, that is the Alford Era in a nutshell: Worthless speculation in lieu of actual performance. Instead of deep NCAA tourney runs and kids who are proud to wear Iowa jerseys, we get The Hair Gel, talk of "March situations," reminders of his streak of winning records, and any other cheap, self-serving rhetorical trick usually reserved for losing Senate campaigns.

Oh, lastly, I cannot let slide the horror of Purdue's coach's hair last night. Imagine Jimmy Kimmel trying to wear an Alford. I'm trying furiously to find a picture of it right now. Absolutely unfathomably bad.

EDIT: Here is Matt Painter in all his glory. My God.

81-49

You don't often see a basketball game where one team wins as big as MSU just did, and it was never even that close. Here's how bad it got: from the 16:31 mark of the first half to the 5:56 mark of the second half, Sparty was doubling up on Iowa. It was 73-33 when State started playing the cheerleaders and all the players' moms who were wearing their son's jersey.

The worst part is that it's not surprising at all. Iowa ALWAYS gets killed by Izzo up in East Lansing. ALWAYS. It doesn't matter how good either team is, you just know State's going to crush Iowa up there. The closest Alford's ever come to winning in East Lansing? 14 points. Two touchdowns. Yeah.

This, effectively, buries all tourney hopes for the Hawkeyes. It's a little irritating that people were talking about it at all over the past few weeks, but that talk has to be over now, right? Their RPI is in the 80's, they have 12 losses, and their best non-conference win was over... buckle your seatbelt... Toledo. Do you really think the selection committee gives a shit if the Hawks go 9-7 in the Big Ten???

Here's what we know: Henderson and Freeman can't take care of the ball. Their turnover numbers make Pierre Pierce look responsible. So the Hawks need a point guard badly. Alford's bringing in this kid named Dairese Gary, and we all know how well you can trust someone with two first names. So after Gary, then what? You need more than one guy to run the point, and it looks like the only thing Iowa can do to help Freeman is, well, hope and pray. The kid's a maniac. Also, the Hawks brought in some kid from Indiana who's 6'6", runs the 2, and... well, he looks like this:



Sweet.

Purdue's coming here Wednesday. Here's how it'll go down: Iowa's going to drop about 75 or 80 on them, win by 10, maybe climb a spot in the two in the RPI, and it won't make a lick of difference. This is Iowa basketball.