Dana Altman is the next coach...

...of Arkansas. Holy shit. Do you suppose he's playing the role of Iowa's jilted lover, his interest always unrequited? That Arkansas is the real protagonist in this romantic comedy--the Meg Ryan, if you will? Or is Dana Altman Meg Ryan? Who knows? And this discussion should stop before I start openly wondering if there's a nude scene anywhere.

The rumor mill is talking up Majerus again, with some slightly ludicrous details about awaiting the ubiquitous "test results." That's as credible as, well, this site. So acting on what's been actually been said by Majerus, he can be disregarded for the time being. It does seem kind of strange that since Iowa's been using a highly secretive search firm, that Majerus would allegedly allow himself to be so open and vocal about his desire for the job to everybody but the press.

And about that search firm that Iowa's using (even though they don't list Iowa's spot as vacant anymore on their website): screw you guys. It's great that you're all about being trustworthy and never leaking details and everything. It's just that, oh I don't know, it's exactly what this website feeds on. It's like if I made a company that made it impossible to have sex with your wife, in some sort of convoluted way that I don't even understand anymore.

Look, my point is this: I want Iowa to have the best coach possible. The search firm is the best way there. But the longer they drag this out without giving me something ("three of the top five coaches have 6 letters in their last names!" would be a nice start), the more I'm inclined to start FedEx-ing them jars of my own human waste. Work with me here.

One quick note before I leave

Altman will apparently interview with Iowa next week.

Thank God.

I know you're hoping for big news

And like you, we all are as well. There's lots of people predicting that it'll be Rick Majerus with B.J. Armstrong assisting; even radio reports on Minnesota-area sports radio are saying that. No word from any local media, though.

It's safe to say that Gary Barta's going to get a lot closer to hiring somebody this weekend at the Final Four. Everybody's going to be there. The NABC has their annual meeting at the same time and place, so Barta ought to be able to find anyone he needs to talk to.

If we're talking odds, I'm going with the following:

Rick Majerus: 70%
Dana Altman: 20%
Reggie Theus: 5%
The field: 5%

Majerus, like Altman, would take the job if offered. But what the heck is with the B.J. Armstrong stuff tacked on? The guy has no coaching experience. There's still nothing that tells me Majerus is a lock to return to coaching at all. Someone's still got to take a chance on hiring him.

Nobody's really talking much about Altman anymore, though. There's word that he's already turned Iowa down, and also that he's still Iowa's top choice. So whatever.

So I'm reserving 10% on the rest of the pack right now. Boosters think Reggie Theus can get something going, but hiring him would tell the world that we learned literally nothing from the last 8 years (the similarities are downright eerie). It's hard to believe Iowa would turn down Altman and Majerus, but it's theoretically possible. There might be a few surprise nuggets coming out of this weekend in Atlanta. Stay tuned.

And yes, I totally edited it to match up with what Jebus said.

Re-re-re-re-calibrating the odds

Dana Altman - 75%
Rest of the field - 25%
Steve Alford - 0%

My name is Oops Pow Surprise, and I run this joint

At this point, the reliable, non-contradictory chatter is almost non-existent. I've heard Altman's off the list and I've heard he's the top choice. I've heard Kruger doesn't want to go anywhere, and I've heard he's Iowa's current target. I've heard Rick Majerus wants to coach at Iowa, and I've heard that's stupid. Maybe Magic Johnson actually will come coach. Who knows?

Gary Barta, if you're reading this (which he is most definitely not), drop me a line and give me a heads-up. I'll even make it a blind item so everyone can doubt it. But we'll know.

OK, now I'm depressed

I'm a little upset about this whole Bruce Pearl thing, for a number of reasons.

1. I like Bruce Pearl, a lot. I think he would have been great at Iowa and he would have been fun, because, let's face it, he's bat-shit crazy. That being said, I understand where he's coming from. He has a great thing going at Tennessee, why should he leave? It's probably for the best on both sides.

2. The teams that I love never do what I want them to. They always seem to fall short of my expectations when it comes to performing (usually), recruiting, signing free agents, and hiring coaches. But I should not bitch about all of this, because it's my fault. These are the teams I have chosen to root for and I am not about jumping ship every chance that I get. That's for kids from Chicago who root for the Cubs their whole lives, then when the White Sox start doing well they all pick up accents, don a black cap, and forget to shave until it's bed time.

3. It looks as though Dana Altman is the #1 candidate for the job right now, and I do not want Dana Altman yet. I don't know why, but he just doesn't do it for me. I think that Barta is doing the right thing, going after a big-name guy like Pearl, especially because of the Iowa ties. But don't stop there.

Note to Gary Barta:
Please do not settle. Go get a top-liner, not the most convenient choice.
Thanks,
Buddy L.

Creighton during the Altman era has done well, I will give them that. They have made 7 NCAA Tournament appearances since 1999 (coincidentally the year our "fearless leader" was hired; how many did he get to?) and have made it out of the first round twice. I'm not saying that's bad, making the tournament that many times; I wish Iowa would have done that. And I may eat crow if Altman comes here and wins, but all I'm saying is keep looking.

Give Majerus an interview, see what he has to say. He's a proven winner. He went "Dancing" 10 times from '91-'03 and had a tournament record of 17-10. He turned out pros like Keith Van Horn, Andrew Bogut, Andre Miller, and Michael Doleac. All of this at freaking Utah.

Also, take a look at SIU coach Chris Lowery. He's been to the tourney each of his 3 seasons as coach. His regular season record is very impressive. He's 3-3 in the tourney. He's only 34 years old, which means he could be here for a very long time (unlike Captain Bypass listed above, who may not live tomorrow). I think it would be in Iowa's best interest to give him a serious shot.

After all of this if Barta finds Altman to be the best candidate, then by all means hire him. I will give Altman a chance should he be the next Iowa head coach, but don't just rush to hire a coach for the sake of hiring a coach. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get the rights to firedanaaltman.com so that I can try to extort all of my tuition money back.

Re-re-calibrating the odds

Dana Altman: 50%
Rick Majerus: 25%
Chris Lowery: 15%
Lon Kruger: 5%
Tom Crean: 5%
Bruce Pearl: 0%
Steve Alford: 0%

Goddammit.

Quick odds recalibration

Altman: 40%
Pearl: 20%
Majerus: 20%
Lowery: 15%
Crean: 4%
McConathy: 1%
Alford: 0%

I'm still not ready to put Altman at 50%, but I have heard some unencouraging things about everybody else recently. For the record (and I'm sure you were all dying to know): I'm happy with all those candidates except for the last two.

The next Iowa head coach will be...

...named soon!

C'mon. You didn't really think I had the answer, did you? Of course I don't. Gary Barta doesn't even know who it'll be yet. If you want me to start tossing out baseless rumors, I'm going to aim a lot higher than who will coach a college basketball team. I aim big. Like "aliens run the shadow government and have a mind chip in George W. Bush's skull!" big.

That said, I do hear rumors, and while I don't have permission to repeat them verbatim, I'm ready to give my odds on who the next coach will be. You'll notice that nobody's at even 50% yet. That's because nobody has established themselves as a leader yet; there's too much going on outside of Iowa's control still. Nonetheless, let's start breaking it down, Hair Gel style.


1. Bruce Pearl, Tennessee head coach: 35%

PROS: Rumors are flying that he doesn't have any grand designs on staying in the south, where--and I'm sure this will come as a shock--the culture isn't perfect for a Jew from Boston. Coaches a fast, aggressive style of play that aggravates opponents and entices high-level recruits. Would evoke guttural feelings of hatred from Illinois fans that may spark interstate military escalation.

CONS: Already in a very financially advantageous position in Tennessee. May be assassinated upon arrival in Champaign-Urbana. Has no qualms about appearing on national television without a shirt on. May be insane.

VERDICT: If he wants the Iowa job, it's his. The only major worry--and it's substantial--is that Tennessee can afford to throw as much money around as Iowa can. Also, Michigan could very well come calling, and it would be awfully hard to call the Iowa job more attractive than the one in Ann Arbor.

2. Rick Majerus, former Utah head coach: 30%

PROS: Won six straight conference championships. Took Utah to NCAA championship. Has recruited numerous all-conference players and several high NBA draft picks. Basketball genius who is reportedly looking to get back into coaching. Closely connected to current UI strength coach Chris Doyle.

CONS: Innumerable health concerns. Diabetic. History of heart problems. Backed out of deal to coach Southern California a few years ago. May not be a long-term solution for Iowa basketball. Would force me to register www.RickMajerusDeathWatch.com.

VERDICT: If the rumors are true and he wants to get back to coaching, Iowa would get a long look. He is apparently on a strict health regimen with the help of Doyle, so some health concerns may be allayed. On that note, though, his health has improved since he left coaching; returning to such a high-stress job would most certainly be a detriment. If he were 100 pounds lighter and 5-10 years younger, he could coach wherever he wanted in the NCAA. If he determines that he is capable of coaching and recruiting while not placing his health at risk (which does not, at this point, seem likely), then he ought to be welcomed at Iowa.

3. Lon Kruger, UNLV head coach: 15%

PROS: Wins everywhere he goes; has taken four different teams to NCAA Tournament. Universally respected by peers. Has made a habit of taking lousy programs and turning them into winners. Would, once again, infuriate Illinois faithful, especially after first win in Champaign-Urbana. "Without a doubt, Lon is one of the best tacticians in the game. I love Lon. He does everything above board. He has a program fans can be proud of." - Coach K.

CONS: Goes a lot of places; Iowa would be his seventh head coaching gig. Has the stink of coaching for the Illini on purpose. Another prime candidate for assassination in Champaign. Has not given too much indication thus far that Iowa is an attractive destination. Already in mid-fifties. May kill you if you fall asleep.

VERDICT: If the Bruce thing doesn't pan out, Iowa would love to land Kruger. The problem is, so would Michigan. And then there's that whole business that the Krugers love Las Vegas and probably wouldn't go and move again just for an extra $400,000 a year or so. Not much about the move makes too much sense for Kruger, which is a shame for Iowa.

4. Dana Altman, Creighton head coach: 15%

PROS: Has taken Creighton to the NCAA tournament in seven out of nine years. Got new stadium built. Has incredible relationship with city of Omaha. Still in mid-forties. Lacks obnoxious haircut. Would take Iowa job if offered, after having turned down multiple offers from other schools (including Miami-FL).

CONS: Not an "exciting" head coach. Left KSU after mediocre performance. Questions abound about recruiting capabilities. May not be best available coach in MVC (Lowery, SIU). Hell, just look at the guy. You getting pumped? No? Nothing, huh?

VERDICT: Although he's not a top-tier, "home run" candidate, Altman would be a safe bet. He's classy, wants to coach here, and probably wouldn't bolt to the NBA or anything crazy. If the Pearl and Kruger deals don't come to fruition, look for Altman to come to Iowa City. Iowa could do a whole hell of a lot worse.

5. Tom Crean, Antarctic explorer: 5%

No, wait, wrong Tom Crean. Let's try that again.









5. Tom Crean, Marquette head coach: 5%

PROS: Has built Marquette from a mid-major into a major force in the Big East. Can recruit very well. Is universally respected in college basketball.

CONS: Not much, except there's the whole "how would Iowa be a step up in any way, shape, or form for Crean" business. Has never explored the Antarctic.

VERDICT: Hey, until he says he's not interested in leaving Marquette, the door ought to stay cracked open here. What if he gets an offer of $2.5 million from Iowa or something wildly outrageous? It's a theoretical possibility.



6. Steve Alford, New Mexico head coach: 0%

God, that just feels so good to see in print.