Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Welcome to the show


20:00: Howdy everybody. Good to hear the ESPNU announcer excited because Penn State was going to be playing for "the love of the game." Glad that didn't occur to them until after 13 straight losses.

18:49: Looby gets his shot swatted into next week, then Freeman steps out. The charitable announcer chalks it up to both teams being "jittery." Yeah, that's it.

17:15: Three turnovers, zero points. This is going to be one epic slapfight.

16:10: Make it four.

15:55: Five. 8-0 PSU. For those of you who had "after the first TV timeout" in the When Will Iowa Finally Score pool, please claim your prize.

13:56: Mike Henderson is the only person who has scored for Iowa during the first 6 minutes of the game. Please gouge my eyes out with my house keys.

13:56: Now Iowa's score is going backwards. 15-4, folks.

12:34: Nice offensive board and assist for Tyler Smith. One nice play every 7 1/2 minutes may not be enough.

11:50: My impression after two TV timeouts? Almost completely unwatchable. 15-8, Nits. Iowa is barely outscoring some guy named Moose.

11:50: Hey, highlights of the Drake and UNI losses! Thanks, my mouth wasn't filled with vomit yet.

10:51: Go, Lotus Blossom, go!

8:54: Dear Iowa Hawkeyes-- Tyler Smith knows for a fact that Penn State does not actually play defense. Please adjust accordingly.

7:50: Now it's 22-17, thanks to Iowa finally figuring out that it's okay to score on a team that gives up 1.17 points per possession. Really--PSU has easily the worst defense in the Big 10.

6:46: I just realized how much Tyler Smith looks like Glen Worley. I'm gonna try not to think about that ever again.

5:24: Kurt Looby fouls a guy on a 3-point attempt? What in God's name is he doing that far away from the bucket?

2:55: This is getting brutal. Iowa's going against the lousiest defense in the conference--what are they doing having Freeman hoist jump shots? They got back into the game by getting to the line. That needs to continue. Unless Tyler Smith is heavily sedated and under lock and chain, he should get the ball on every possession.

1:50: LOTUS BLOSSOM!!! Forget what I just said, give it to Gorney every time. The guy is a reverse layup machine.

0:55: I still can't get over the crawl line on ESPN that advertises for Dick's Sporting Goods, except they always capitalize it, so it's DICK'S. Don't they realize there are childish people like me watching?!


It's almost hard to believe Iowa's only down 3 points at this point. It is, of course, worth mentioning that they're playing the worst team in the Big 10; there's the unconscionable fact that they're losing to a team who hasn't won since January 3, and there's also the fact that they played about as well as I do at the Fieldhouse after a late-night bender, but they're only down 3.

The jump shots need to stop--get to the line some more. Iowa is 1-11 from behind the arc, and 13-27 overall. In other words, they're 12-16 from inside the arc. It's not too hard to figure out what needs to happen, and it's not letting Tony god-damned Freeman try to shoot his way out of a cold streak.


18:46: That's messed up. That guy clearly traveled after our boys nailed him in the eye.

17:00: And of course, Iowa has the lead because of Freeman jacking up 3's. I'm smart and you should listen to me.

15:11: Well. Now both teams have given up the pretense of playing defense, and are now finally focused on hitting their jump shots. Maybe the second half will be fun to watch after all.

13:29: The 3-point contest continues. Did these teams make a bet with each other at halftime or something? This is ridiculous.

11:50: This is just getting comical now--Johnson ties the game with (what else?) a 3-pointer. Iowa has attempted 2 2-pointers and 7 from behind the arc. Unbelievably, it's "working." 47-47.

10:37: WOULD YOU FUCKING CUT IT OUT?? Haluska converts a 4-point play. Seriously guys--try a layup. You only hit 75% of your 2's in the first half.

8:18: Iowa hits 3 straight layups, now they're up 57-55. I'm just sayin'.

7:50: Nice phantom call on the Claxton shot. If this pace keeps up, Iowa ought to hit 80 points on the game. Not too shabby, considering I was trying to stick a gun in my mouth while Henderson was the only one scoring for Iowa for the first 8 minutes.

5:10: Unbelievable save by Tyler Smith to give Iowa the ball. Almost as unbelievable as Tony Freeman's refusal to take care of the ball or play defense.

3:13: LOTUS BLOSSOM NOOOO!!! What in God's name is he doing trying to shoot a 3?! How very un, uh... un-yoga of him. 69-67, Lions. Seriously guys--shoot some 2's. They work.

2:09: David: "Freeman's playing like Chauncey Leslie out there." Me: "Don't insult Chauncey!" David: "Like Chauncey Leslie with non-refundable tickets to Cancun." Me: "That's fair." 69-69 now--Vegas looks like a bunch of damned geniuses for putting Iowa at -3.

1:52: Gorney draws an unfair blocking foul, then biffs both free throws. How very karmic of the Lotus Blossom!

1:10: Great moment in announcing while Iowa brings the ball up down 4. "Don't just throw something up there, run your offense." Hey announcer--that IS Iowa's offense!

0:52: Looks like the PSU cheerleaders found Paterno's boys' training table.

0:22: Good travel call. Just get a smart shot--oh fucking hell, Freeman has it.

0:06: AAIEEE!!!


0:00: Mike Henderson, fittingly, throwing up a wild prayer of a 3 that rims out as time expires.

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